WALKING ALONGSIDE YOUTH - AN ONLINE ANXIETY COURSE
Session 4
NOURISH
youth with anxiety through relationship
Developing insight
In Session 2 you saw a map of essential relational needs identified by Dr. Neufeld. All humans share these same relational needs—physical closeness, sameness, belonging, mattering, heart-felt love, and being understood—across the lifespan. When these needs are met, youth flourish; when they are not met, youth can become troubled and may develop distressing symptoms of anxiety.
Being able to recognize, read and respond to these needs should naturally lead you to an increased desire and ability to nourish your relationship with the youth you are caring for. As you begin to do this, their anxiety symptoms will become less troubling.
Take a few moments to reflect on the youth you are caring for and answer the following questions with them in mind. Does the youth in your care seek:
- physical closeness with anyone? Who?
- to be like and find something in common with anyone? Who?
- to belong and be loyal to anyone? Who?
- to matter and be significant to anyone? Who?
- to share their feelings (what’s in their heart) with anyone? Who?
- to be known and understood by anyone? Who?
The answers to these questions will tell you a lot. A youth who is looking for these needs to be met by a caring, responsible and available adult is likely doing better than a youth who is not, or who is trying to meet their relational needs through their peers or social media. Regardless, identifying the ways a youth may be seeking relationship equips you with the insight you need to provide for needs that, if left unmet, will continue to fuel anxiety symptoms.
Helping to meet a youth’s relational needs
Once you have a better sense of who the youth in your care is and who they are most attached to, you can begin to meet some of their relational needs. Some ideas are listed below, but we encourage you to follow your intuition in creating the nourishing rituals that will meet the youth’s real relational needs and fit with your family. You know the youth best; trust yourself in providing what they need most for each of these needs:
- Physical closeness—Spend time together; encourage phone calls and visits with parents and extended family; cook their favourite foods; give them something special of yours to hold on to; remind them when they will see you or their parents next; make sure they have family photos and objects.
- Sameness—Point out what a youth has in common with their family of origin and people; share common interests, such as listening to the same music and liking the same foods; identify shared experiences and feelings.
- Belonging and loyalty—Demonstrate that you are on their side, using language that expresses loyalty, and give the youth a sense of belonging in your home and in your life. Acknowledge the youth’s people, especially their parents and extended family.
- Significance—Show the youth that they matter by acknowledging them for who they are outside of their behaviour and accomplishments. Conveying mattering when they have done nothing at all, and even during stormy weather, can significantly reduce psychological separation.
- Love—Show love by conveying warmth consistently and by letting the youth know that you want to hear what is in their heart. Tell them something about yourself. Let them see that you have a twinkle in your eye for them and that you delight in their presence.
- Being known and understood—Show the youth that you long to understand them; be curious and open. When a youth feels truly seen by you, a deep need is met and the void within begins to fill. Sometimes this can be achieved simply by listening and showing empathy.